Wondering

Whether my video of the inside of a car wash being posted as one who captures their last moments ?

The soon

back in the yucky time getting it further back ... The dresser that might be going North. I can't be bothered with life bits around. The decisive times this year now in approaching ... 

It will be good to be here one day. It depends on the new doors to come; that open up the twists I do not know yet of where I be or what I be doing etc ... 

The kempt

for my personal outcomes is the basis from what failed ... the dignity of dying .... the hospice care .... or at home ... neither which happened .... I will never forget those that failed that dignity ...

All I am exposed to this year here, in a different place on the news, is the elders blocking up beds for no community care at home. Service to service non compliant. The same said for those who fall between the cracks of fragmented care. The careleavers and mental health. The whole reason it is difficult to be with others .... the silent living within ... as I continue on ... very much through gritted teeth 

No wonder I escape in my movies ... I can choose what I am exposed in from reminders too ...

The freedom of

movement in the glory of another wake of a day ...after a very restless night. The pace in life slower in ease. The tire though in days not used to in mind. 

The conflicts within surfacing in bubbling through the daily functions. 

The ongoing

decisive in conflicts ... the sudden realisation of quandaries bound up in hits of wanton not never understood in these times ... 

At least for now a break from the atmospheric ghosts of time 

The gift of

giving ... and the loss of a once local family band mate or whatever you call ... whose parent busked in the local garden centre at Christmas time of Andrew ... one celestial soul of a foreign sounding named as George ... 

Yesterday ...a walk

The cinema ... 

by many landmarks still timeless ... the social club, the venues of other entertainment, the town hall and the venues too in the give in life ... the stalls outside this cinema in the warm months once selling things to raise funds. The door to door collections And those many events in the hub of the town hall ... 

The walk on through lanes to a church too in many functions past 

All quiet quiet

in offices not retail, still the men to suddenly get! The swirl of the silly season ... life is normal apart from the aromas, the only clue here is the tree, a few tasteful decs, some food and the glut of gifts ... no excited kiddie this year the full circle of where I was once ... 

The panic not here either ... what is ... is what is... another time, another year on and nothing eases the pain ... 

That time in lack of communication is and will ripple through to the depths people don't see   

... Festive Simplicity ...

away from all that was a future life on from the town I grew in ... the surrelness of the three of us reduced 

And those now gone in the natural shift in time too ... The first without a Mum in law now, who I knew all my adult life .. all that immediate in laws now dead and gone 

I have come full circle; the time my offspring are settling into her life ... 

And being free of burdens ... I am the one free now to explore much, even looking one day at volunteering abroad and travel around giving time to others. A tad started and not fully ready to rip the roots totally yet. The feelers put out already this festive time, to see how it felt on time on from trauma leaving its invisible scars ...

More

relaxed in happy according to others ... The dilemmas much less but left ... again what is seen in seen ... and seeing how others live helps in ways too not seen. 

The word in world absorbed in our own boundaries. And how I seem to intermix more and getting on with things while very much the quivers within ... 

Again these months seen immense change in experiences; new, old and never before would I have ever even contemplated ... 

The talk in talk. The more than one to one. The group and wider conversations and encouragement. The outward seedling in "usual" it so seems ...  

The dawn of a new era

the comeback from time out in transition of accumulation to retrieve and remove. The dilemmas I had of the style of life becoming more noticeable on time with others. 

Another deep impact of learning in the class system in all aspects of life.  And how I fit in society now. The Walks of life ... I have taken. The smells and disdain of soiling, self neglect, legs ulceration unkempt, unwashed in society. The lunch on the go of those giving time to others to get them to enjoy life outside of the home too. I have seen much again. 

And the fact did I really smell and have an infection bad myself too? from living in the gutter of life neglect. We never had this respite and love and affection in this area ... that I saw elsewhere ... 

The sign posting we never had. The robust skills lacking of those in contact with us ... and the lack of needs from then thorough this festive time until the offices reopened in January by only one agency ... eventually ... 

No souvenirs

thy candle I made will be lit here in Cheshire. A cake made and eaten. The photos will have cluttered the archives with warm images and times with many more others once again. 

A time in limbo now until a travel at the weekend or next week ... if the weekend I get to stay at a cousins and travel by car once again with family from a town once regular in my birth county .. 

This will be dependant on yet another family member in hospital, a operation due next year ... 

...A German Christmas...

market ... one special December day again ... one hot chocolate the mug returned for the deposit with no wish to take it home .... 

This two Pinter will be in another home ... And made a good photo for the archives 

Ever so

slow seeing much of a life back in stream line ... the irritant to lay dormant while I get in mode to travel ... 

The burden to be even freer of the invisible ties to past where I rather not be .... left until later bit on from ... 

The bother

not in the madness of the season ... my family have always has the idea of simplicity which the kid is in with the gene pool counteracts the over top mess we had in deal ...

I have had a lot in too much from a wayward time. I had more that a glut in lifetime ... it never holds the same values ... 

And the time in move on ... I may appear a Scrooge ... 

Tis amazing

what turns up out of this muddle into order that is ever so slow ... another time in much along the path in getting ready to be elsewhere ... it being gift giving time ...  

Arduous in achieve

the more air removed of the stench of death ... my hands are raw, my eyes ache ...that is nothing to the inner ache ...

The goodness in me is so sorely tested ...

The timely manner in some respite now ...

An awe of air

while I pass through in getting ready for the next adventure in my life ... After some ginormous decisions made in all strands of life

The images are flowing in and from better times, the kid excited with her lot ... and plans to pick up her hobby of filming ...when she will pick up her studies ... in her chosen field 

The almighty step in entering a world large beyond the door in the tiniest of procedures ... 

A year in end to new beginnings in my year start of 21 December 

All attempt in

a change in life style ..

And not without too many trying moments. My sister seriously thought I was going to cave in at the many hurdles ...

The ball is rolling now ... got through many hoops so far ... now the next three to four stages for a minimum of three months time ... in gift ... 🎁 

And were it not a sister and a few referees; when all around I am continued in let downs !!!! 

The illusion

in delusional The daily battles with another no more; just the bloody stuff left for me to do ... T'will be on me travels soon, the family told of pending strikes, asking what cereals I'd like . The unwind in winding down to take off again ... This certainly instilled how to rid the stuff... remembering how it's done ... I am on log duty in Kernow ... among others ... 

All helps lessen the turmoil in find ... 

Reunited with photos on my new timeline

thee inundation of the automated panoramas pieced together, styalised and movies made in images both new and old and never seen ... 

The time with a new device. The hunt unintended of what I find in retrieving a life style from another's hoard ... 

I have revisited much in beauty, comical moments captured in that minuscule of moment. The appreciation. The photos inadvertently took of a home disappearing ... too ... and an occasionally haunted look on a man not necessarily noticed at the time.... 

We have all in my close circle seen the timeline in photos and communication since in hindsight ...

my sister had a last message to look out for me in taking care ... 

... only a tad of that legacy in echoes reverberating to today ... 

The fountain of

frustions ... It is not woman sentiment It is fast forwarding through the rubble which would then mean missing the now..

If I was sentimental, then why did I expand my experience in life... ?  Justification and defensive strange...  I could not do that ? All these labels,? but not until this year did I finally get an official new label ... only a tad of what it is like for kin of the original client 

I went beyond the carer role into my own new needs in life obsessive of carriers, habits that made no sense to no one except the shocked reunited family.  How I related to people in the wrong context... and how I functioned in an inner world that no one could fathom ... or see ...

Those that all left me to care for an elderly person thinking I could cope! Hello! Beyond words ... I could not cope with my own self... 

And how initially in the crisis fallout family were beyond comprehension of how Sally ... had disappeared... but somewhere in there,  a shadow of the once healthy glow of the woman they knew 

As fast as it leaves

in the golden fall ...the influx of opportunities comes a knockin' 

I am glad in these times not having the obligatory comments that happens. It is just the more forms and paraphernalia to organise. 

At least a system is reforming. The routines out of kilter. The many ghosts that rear up in these changing times. 

I have printed off some more letters. The font as standard not standard yet. That will come back. I know certain fonts are best. Again my system is different to the work fonts. Which I have been exposed to in my various capacities behind my world again ... 

My sister had to give the reacquisition iPhone back to someone else whose was no longer working. She is now expected to use a text and phone to run her required duties, a bit different to organise the duties within her role with no internet! 

They are phasing them out to the windows phones. In the meantime whilst understanding of the situation, the frustrations faced of those who expect her to be at the end of the internet to deal with patient flows in hospitals etc ... out and about ... 

End in another week

where there seems to be more of an air of space and tidy. This is ironic for the bedroom is in upheaval presently. 

I have had to juggle the last few days with the form filling required for a little voluntary time. I also needed to collate all those ID requirements. And I was pleased I had been able to keep track of the new and replaced documents for such a time, within the influx of much movement at home .... 

Much more besides

a weave in and out of documents, printing off, a log, a post, a read, decipher, chasing my own shadow.  

And seeing things

The rattle of the recycling bins being replaced in the distant background 

***

I set up a mini mobile office system ... to enable a return to the raft race in eventual ...

This allowed for in the budget

One juggles this budget currently 

Where people spend on excesses, booze, fags, food. I juggle much to allow for a portion for the future benefits in that encapsulated world that escapes some of us. And this recovery in much ...

We who are on the sidelines of life, not thought about much, discriminatory is still in whispers and assumed much about ... 

Yes we can get a hug and kiss, the keep in touch comments ... not seeing again for a while, if ever ...

The disgruntled like me  who comment much ... the sarcastic jovial jests in speech which are often true! 

"Where did my 'honey' go?"

I said out loud... then burst out laughing! The irony in much, private amusement. This happens in bundles whilst altering the layout in the clear where time stood still. And in the gradually shift around in space to accommodate my food anew. The adjustments in this to bring it all back up to date to how I live now. 

In Reveiw

?

A sedate afternoon, after the morning before. And a time to review the look and feel of the ambience here. The start of another messy transition alongside and with much. And the just over 100+ Posts on 'a year in 2016' blog. The 61 days left in a leap year. I am not really counting or bother on accounting everything. The interest in how I viewed this year in life transition from and during the process of accepting widowhood, that en masse clearance in the initial. The forgotten. The ridiculous. The funny. And the stupendous in tremondous.

The reevaluation in the times of a humongous muddle. Tomorrow I will use am emptied already storage hamper and refill it from the bedroom. I will proceed to the lounge to sit and select on the more difficulty at times in decisions to make on these items.

It was easy items for a Monday mourning. The items slung into the shopping trolley. The minimal fuss in removal in slow. The some benefits of not loading and unloading a car. 

The Bathroom Gifts

galore ... the handmade soaps, pearls, crystals lotion and potions ... obviously trying to tell me something!  ...

The set up in goodies of this room and the continuing stream since ... the many occasions wrapped up in love and happiness in this room of lots of sorrow in time now easing with one very thoughtful bathtime hamper from my cousins wife ... everything from the lighting effect to days in aromatic love ... divine! 

A visual aid

for motivational purposes 

I am coming back through. This is in my timeline of plans especially when off the track of the path in the immediate to get to the eventual ...  the rough blueprint of two rooms intermixed to ginve an immediate mood board effect. This to remind me I can be once again... 

When I am in the ... can I be bothered mode ? 

Especially those darkish pits of despairing ones ... 

And then life will be back in flow ease and care free again ! 

Naturally

seasons, moons and skies and more featured in a life recovered. The interspersed of life in turmoil and the beauty outside in everything to me. The freshness of the perfumes and washing powder on people, the first taste again of warm food. It took three months after much I do not speak of. To enjoy home. 

A bath taking all afternoon on arriving back home one March day. The supposedly self neglect. And then I got in that bath again and again. The sensations of warm and warm and warm ...

The obsessive in repeat of all things good!  

Today a seasonal

dust bust .... the layers from time in reveal ... 

nothing different in that of a home who acquires a strategy of a seasonal deeper clean up now and again 

for this home to see the pipes, skirting boards, the recesses where dust gets trapped 

 it is in an elation beyond words to finally see a much brighter feel of an ambiance in some parts ...

The feel of extra

enclosure today ... this means I am coming back to life.  A peace in a day.

I watched one of those programmes last night about those who cease goods. The statistics of all and that much more. 

I was left speechless with how it is still portrayed from a rigid prospective in society. Though never surprised. One family lived in conditions where alarm bells should have been ringing loud and clear. A social worker for mental health should have been called in to intervene. 

This is what happens ... other agencies and particularly the private sector are and do not always work in conjunction with each other ... on more than what appears to be on the arrival to carry out the initial problem ... 

... The programme makers too ... The ripple effect out and beyond ...

Letting go

when the day ends in my time scale ... the realise it is not going to happen quickly ... 

The hope tomorrow to clear today's debris ...  

The topple over ...

The cordon off of the road ... A wide berth needed for the removal one day in our road  of the mediation office 

... while the attempt elsewhere to remove items within my inner sanctum  ... It at times the dark mind would do where the good takes over... at least I am still in mode at times to take images for the change happening outside in our road and town ... for a daughter ...

West Kent Mediation cabin removed which used to be over opposite over from my home 

We see what the time after

the summer enchanted brings ... the season of harvest festival and preserving the fruits ... the find in life quandaries... the find in style would be good. The distressed look in colours faded is a style ... that would be easy to do ...,

... seeing that is the remnants of a life left ... to find it in the reduce is ever so slowly given me a peak, a glimpse in seek ... 

The clothes a daughter is getting to see ... the notice I do not wear the set of clothes away to home until more recent times ... 

Photos from within ...

the progress made to progress in need ... The flurry of finding s style after living in rags ...The attempts of how we change anyway over time. I an shaving down much in dress, accessories, linens which is only a touch of that within a home.

 

The before, after, during, an amazing picture of life in with a hoard at my despair in my life entwining away into another. 

The families who are in the crablike way of walk in homes. Each indeed unique into as why ... ? 

The way I operate in this transition. And how do you keep track of things is so forgotten. The see is different to the other who sees. Or not ...

The wardrobe that wasn't, then again appearing in light of day. The ideas from the early days of struggles that did not happen cos of much that came by my way ... 

... to now going ... going ... gone ... 

The move in forward ...

in each spectrum of change .... The anger and mumbles. The chuckles. The much never said. The things not and never comprehended. The conflicts. The ideas. The strength to pursue. The piss take in our dilemmas. The forgiveness. The shock. The gone. 

The paramount in the work environments to this day. The suspensions. The dismissals. The health and safety. 

The analogies. The last one standing. 

The temperament change. The ideas fleeting. The tastefulness back in the home from the cooking to the decor. The letting go of the ideas that just did not materialise. 

A blank canvas

in a new home of our child ... a holiday holiday and a surprise one August day before the Bon voyage. I was in this home when she came in jangling her car key. The only way she could have driven her reserved car off the garage forecourt was to have passed her test. This the way of how our one cobbled up life is in the now. I knew about the car. The test was left as a surprise. 

We never thought I would be in the area she now resides in, at this test pass time. It was a special moment indeed.  I was able to be driven the day she qualified to drive a vehicle. We celebrated in our first trip to Nantwich. We had a spectacular Indian meal out, by the chance in find, that same evening. 

Indeed special, special moments. A day not forgotten in the experience of life in movement usual again ...  after such different times to the norm ... 

An enchanting summer in a span of our summer birthday months once in time ... A time elsewhere catching up in experiences with the current. The feel of summer in climes new and much for the first time since we were encased within reduction in life rhythms... The senses bursting in cuisine, beverages, in environments of coffee shops chains and one off tea rooms. The cultural journey from A-B. The food of many cultures ... the most delicious risotto. The converse in basic Spanish while our daughter was there. 

The experiences shared on the time when they were home. The walks by water in canals, lakes, ponds, rivers and streams. The shopping for a new home. The walks in a new town. The road trips after the pass. The ability to go beyond the county. The bottle kilns, architecture, factories. A few cinema trips. The spruce up of a home. So much encapsulated in the magical balmy summer days again .. It may not have been in the south or south west of England of old. The very new in an area only once fleetingly passed in other summer months past ... in holidays and trips this way. 

Me and my tablet in the drive by on a road trip 

Arduous, Laborious into

a little lightness... the fruits of a lot of hard work, opening up life in life a tad more.

The richness in words in this time evolving into works, on my devices. The start from a sister to put in place a recovery in learning new, while dealing with the old ... and still surprising in things she has not yet done ... 

And the vibrancy in those images I was known for long before the loss in this part of life awhile. The emerge back into all that tech evolving in change while I was out ... 

The wonders in this new part of life in vivid experiences in the mists of a mind in trauma 

Self and minimal suffiency

is most helpful for this new found mobility ... the not being tied to any one thing ... a luxury for me..

I am able to assist in others, who are less mobile. The thought in my own life design, after traumatic times ...

I am able to take it with me and not rely on others. The next stage for a life on an isle would then suit me find. That a little way off yet ... 

In the blue ...

... with the fun in the occupy and the new in so much ... 

a car use to be a metal box, a bit of comfort and some music ... 

now it can light up the dash to the many extras, the trims in the add on packages ... the many discussions on sisters new car... 

Those who come to me for a soundboard on the clutter in these vehicles now ... I give my say in the wonder of the dilemma as was this, in the foray of a custom car ... 

...go for it ...  is my reply ... 

It is the fun of this learning in what it entails to buy a car sometimes around me ... without the burden of it myself yet ... 

A system

worked out whereby I alternate outings, with the dispersing of excess ... I feel a little under the snow of paper ... there are schedules for trips to the mall and environmental aspects, I am still not comfortable with, on a more populated time elsewhere. 

This so as not to get too immersed in the dust cloud in forgetting life outside ... this and much other items for discussion talked on those 21+ miles trekked, rambled, explored and hiked, walked and strolled in recovery of both of our different  woes...

... Whilst in the fresh air elsewhere... 

The odd reading

... In subject matter ... What why and wherefore in many strange subjects to others, not to me, the piece together where others are unable to assist in my answers ... 

And for me the insights to somehow assist in the understanding process of ... having the courage to seek ... I feel out of tune in life, despite all I have achieved since ... 

The long chat

with someone who knows a tad of life as was in the becoming .... Those conversations rare with a service of continual change ... The repetition; I long stopped ... 

That again I continue to look well ... How I don't gloss over that lost part of life as wonderful ... The plans with a daughter in catch up ... and how is life at home ... what are the plans in knowledge the family is now both north and south westerly ... My planned vocation and vacation from time astuttered 

It was lovely to have a silent and stout talk in knowledge known in solace again ... without explaining  how why when and wherefore ... 

The next part

Of rediscovering what can be done 

The ignoring of the system and ignorance of life that became 

Getting on par with a semblance of me in this time.

The daughter an eager beaver to catch up now seeing me unfurl again into what she once knew

In to action of these plans since her Daddy died ...

Lots to

... now put into fruition ... 

... a more streamlined me to continue on ... the plans with a daughter ... 

and the continuing life of adjustment 

a streamline in difference

becoming aerodynamic once more ... on arriving back home it will look as though some work has been done on a certain part of the anatomy ... a lot of family banter and mischief on the antics of the dress attire, in the ongoing change in physique. This along with the reduction in absolutely and resolutely in all areas to strive for in life again wisely and kindly ... 

Which direction

in the much time that I stride the many miles to put thoughts into action on return. Just as I did before ... the time out the environment is rewarding in health fitness energy and lungfuls of respite 

A Town More Cluttered

ever since I moved here there has been rumblings of development here ... That our flats are going to be pulled down etc etc ... 

The banqueting suites, the local green pastures and the end of the road and much more making way for the greed of developers here .... 

Just as at our mothers meeting in a Cornish town for the greed of development there too threatening the infra structure and ultimately the Eco system too ... 

... meetings ... petitions in a cluttered country ... In cluttered towns with cluttered homes in places ... back handers ... secret deals ... land owners to developers ... 

which century are we in ... 

The life of others

for a while ... This will take the mind away from the woes. The plans with others now and in the future ... breaking up the monotony.    

A Smashing time

continues in this festering mess

like the floods ... It makes decisions for you ...

Life behind a clutter

is not all that you see

my journey will take thee

to times one had in glee

How else would I have met he

and we had a she

life very different; once be...

A little bit of a chase

of the tail today ...

My insulated lunch bag did a disappearing act on me for the best part of the day ... I decided on keeping track with the task set today ... 

I gave myself a few days for it to turn up. And then probably get to purchase another one. I thought it might have gone with the movement here. It is inevitable that things get lost. 

it did eventually give itself up, thankfully a bit more money saved for now... 

Would we ... Could I ...

yes I did ...

In this past month ... I have ripped out this home in places

It is looking miles better for it ... Smells and refreshing to the core

Who says we chose to live like it ....?

See how they age ...

Or trial out  a big brother type experiment ... Only on your own and put obstacles in the way to break the spirit down ... and see how they react ...

chuckling over this matter ...

... Creativity bring and sits in its own clutter in mind too ... the evoking of memories all over the place and way back ... those long and recently gone who taught us so much intentional as much as unintentional. 

The opportunities given to us to find our niche in life. This overwhelming in itself. And that time which common sense did not prevail being left ... Where it belongs ...

The continuing and continuous empty space beside me ... along the now forgotten by others who briefly passed by in that time ... to the focus on what I have with what I have now ... 

And that we all face the same fate date ... eventually ... 

Keeps me going in what I will and am doing here and now 

Creativity in the Virtual world

The influx in a tattered

time

The varying speed of hurling out what was still kept in an unkempt en masse clear ...

The recent life that went in that time  ... the mouldy shit kept ...

The finds sparking diversions ... I have chucked a lot of stuff that could have gone in the first instance ... the annoyance of this waste of my time .... 

The wade through of what I can do without a vehicle ... to watt will be collected and finally the items coming with me or not 

I hope to off load selected items for the other new home in the north ... 

In the meantime the annoying time into attempts at the positivity this time brings ... 

In the tardyis of time travelled ... I nicknamed this the tardis .. It certainly is apt  

A sappy bee this mourn

in a twirl of a dust cloud
A trying to be less dappy
and a more a happy
these are times a choppy
in times that would normally be soppy

A Happy bee...

... even with the frustration. I achieved  a little more this evening towards the long term goal. I only hope the diversion tonight did not leave me tight for time. This is the counterbalance in life with the now ... with the past ... 

It definitely entails a simpler life ... I'd be hating clutter more and more each moment I spend in doing it .... There really is better things to do with the time ... 

Again the good from this bad ... I am getting a workout every time 

Listening to others with their woes,

keeps thee on me toes,
the instantaneous connect,
with strangers alike,
deep and personal in a moment,
sometimes more than
in years, those you've have known ...

Life in a Cupboard ...

A lotta board papers I will get them to collect 

All the paraphernalia that added to the clutter ...

That was supposed to be collected in the first place 

I think there might me another box of papers from interview time too

That and the bombardment you get when life spits at ya 

The Conflicts in Disgust

The path alone 

human nature blows hot and cold 

Just like the weather 

human dependant on the right mood that day 

So like at a stormy cliff top I go alone 

Just as I did in that time ... 

a very tiny transformation tantalising and tastefully ...

.... being tackled in a more continuous task, to break free of the invisible burden that time still puts on life enjoyments

Unless you have been there ... There is no full understanding how it impacts life ... so badly it kills

And my late husband is not the only; one even in this road ...

Restoration in thyself ...

... a little of everything in this home ... and I am loving the newly acquired changes... this difficult Saturday day ...

I am on a twenty four hour retreat ... Peace until thine elf and imp ... A little mischievous... to feel some what more human ...

Non existence ... in the detestation

There is such an array of bombardment in situations off the usual, it is opposite to a lighthouse beacon. You are sizzled from the relentless ramming at your personality. The way you are thought to live and be.

Once you are down in the pit of disgust. The invisible throw of stones, the hate, the spite, the venom really sets in. You get to see the worst in worst in human nature. 

The next Strategy

get another bulk of clutter organised

And wind down for the Silver and the scatter and the op

A still in the Shadows ...

that have moved about ...

A comfort in the air ... A cosy time in the peace of night ...

Captured progress in pictures too ...

... The pictorial light appear around the pit hole in darkness ... 

Collating Photos in this muddle ...

...the memories too ... 

The items ... not just the photos being reunited, not quite in the relevant places one would assume yet ... The freshness in the air and my own being is immense ... A long way to travel yet ... Many diversions and steep inclines and the bendy roads my travels have taken me ...

They used to be filled with nature in the surround  ... seeing the recent unearthed photos of the Breacon Beacons, the dam, Cenarth Falls  ... All the beautiful parts that is Wales and the dialect ... One previous Wedding Anniversary card from my late husband in Welsh ... in this recovery programme of self undertaking ...

The cosy times together as a family ... As I now travel alone again ... 

... morning ... noon ... midnight ...

I have been up to my head in a problematic cupboard ... I will keep at it ... I started with the swift removal that is of ease ... charity and the bin ... 

And I did what Crisis suggested ... All that time ago ... 

I am finally behind a big door ... floor  to ceiling stuffed ... Yuk ...!

A Haze in the Day ...

A Grey May Morning revealing the buildings outside in shadows of misty nooks ... after a restless night of thoughts ... 

Plans and solutions seem to feel the time within a depth of a home in repeat, circles and shadows into freshness, a straighter path ahead and a light descending that you need sunglasses ...

It is now so different in areas ... Although still overwhelmingly a task in daze ... rather like this days dawn ... 

Housekeeping all areas of this life ...

... a little of everything ... allocating decent varied amounts of time in various aspects of  this particular life and home ...

I have cleared back another area. I have made more swift and slow processes in decisions on items slowly disappearing from a tattered life that came ... that was ... and now gradually dispersing ... 

... Breaking the legacy of habits ...

... in a more robust way ... 

... Tonight is some thought into the next batch of solutions in disposal of items ... 

I am taking no prisoners ... It seems as though how much can you put in here ...? 

And how long ... (with not going round in circles in doing so) ... will it take to reverse the trend ... ? 

And bemusing my sister in the meantime ... It surely must be empty by now; and heaving a significant sigh of relief ... 

The fact too, we seem to have followed a few coffins one after tother. And how my wishes now are in that respect ... if I am given the news I will die ... What I would do now after experiencing so many ..

... rather than have everyone look at the time and think ... how much longer will she be?

What we plan and what actually can happen have entirely different outcomes ...

I never thought I would not, not drive or be squeezed out of a home ... It did happen ... 

A stupid life ...

... Couldn't stand seeing the parts I dealt with today ... today ... 

A quick toss and it was gone ...

The result ... glimpses ... around of the home back of that it was ...

How much can get stuffed in a life ... when you don't care no more ....

An X-ray ... a travel home ...

Trying to keep up to speed with distance between us in family life ... 

Catching up with the family in Bristol from afar while my daughter stayed for a time to get away from all around her in her recent loss.After staying with me for time just the two of us after her Nana's funeral. She travels home today ...

My sister had her X-ray today ... I will be down with her when she has an op. 

All the while my head back in the muddled strands of life in the supposed sanctuary called home ...

Perpetual Adjustments ...

... The time lost in this ... 

The haunting melodies of the silence ... 

The kitchen where a lot of the activity can happen ... And I am talking in the present ... The doors pushed ajar in or out ... 

The tap on the bot ... 

and no one is there ... 

This happens every time a major movement within the home 

Simplify in Simplicity...

a year in leap ...

The 29 February and this month special ... the best legacy of a husband now past ... to dive into life and explore anew ... 

Three rooms to thin out more ...these have started their retransformations ..  Diverted from plans into mid March with new complications ... Where I was to be ... I am elsewhere on a start to achieve a lot more by mid June to commence the next stage ... 

Today is simple food ... simple tasks and luxuriating in space emerging from dark to light ... 

Decisive moments to continue ...

a plan in the offing ...

 A goal to research is how I can spend the time more  productively from here on in ... The traumas and dilemmas not always understood ... Entrapped by invisible boundaries ... Letting go in succession and keeping the momentum ... 

Process of Elimination ...

... Finally back on task with the de-clutter on life from accumulation .. 

With life altered for a daughter with an unexpected gap year time, from a death not understood of a Nana without her only child to deal with the funeral arrangements for the passing of a child before a parent .. 

And all those who surround her .. finding it hard to comprehend the non understanding this harsh decision of those seeing all that hard work already achieved. That being away from the studies for a few precious days to be with a loved one during the dying process was more important for moments together than a mind in studies 

Attempting to work ...

In continuing the reorganisation of the home in working order so I may further my volunteering and studies towards a vocation that is more apparent on the twists and turns life continues to throw up at us ...

Alongside the long anticipation of a funeral with a queue to wait for the cremation... 

I am clearing my kitchen chair yet again to enable to sit in this room. I have done this periodically when life doesn't get chucked here in the continued onslaught of clutter coming, going and with the latest bereavement ... coming yet again ... 

This time although life is not completely in sync ... There is a tad more peace in sorting, selecting, using, donating and storing for moving North and to the South West ... 

Plans of Change

2016
April 2nd 

I had hoped to get out to the park again ... Only I was caught up in the new dynamics of death ... And missing and muddles ... 

It all leaves a dynamic change since time stood. The world was encompassed with life not known by many, or understood by none, other than those who lived it ... 

Our lives have changes vocationally again for two generations of us ... In this current time ...

Lots of conversations revolving round our future careers and vocations ...

Feelings afloat ...

... through peace and an overwhelmness ... stirring up dormant times not long past ... 

... losing track of where I was; before the thunder of another loved ones' death and all that follows coming again into life ... 

Words in Words ...

Overwhelmed was not the word on arriving home to life so different yet similar ... 

All those who deal with death ... This another and from a sudden time ... Death and a death and another in whose arrangements a major part of ... From registering the death to long after with the legacy of life clutters long after the body remains are gone ... 

Reduced life even further ...

Today and getting quite ruthless again ...

What can and cannot be done ... achieved or waste of time ... 

The excesses of life ... to me now ... more so than before ... 

Junk, adverts, the unnecessary media in our everyday lives ... to live simply after the weight of clutter 

... This is the aim; from the aimless ...

One day last year ...

Daymer Bay North Cornwall England UK

A 360 degree view from this viewpoint on where I am standing 

EASTER SATURDAY 2015

An area full of many memories ... an area of many a walk and more with picnics and time among the dunes ... and all the sea time fun and frolics ... through all the ages apart from the best part of time of seasons past and now gone forever ... 

I am going to have peace ...

music and low lights to give the ambiance that this type of shadow casts ... over the stuff I can not abide while it is put aside in the mess to get rid of the muddle ...

It is too cold to sleep in a tent at the minute and anyway I can not be bothered with camping now ... that stuff is going when I get someone in ...

Out the window ... Every step of the way ...

Those nice clothes now I have 

To start to organise the pack of these clothes daughter asks as to why I do not wear them at home in the days since ...

This time weight loss ... is a good problem to deal with ...

I am going to see if I can achieve nice clothes not just on the weekend as I have done recently ... but a bit more often ... 

But first a cup of char ... Get out that door. And to get started again ... on my clothes which I have started on for packing ... And seeing what is fitting ... 

Moods and mystery

It was a prime example today on awakening to another day of mish mash. How I rather do what is not overwhelming ...  

I had loads of ideas. On waking. It would be gorgeous to see if they worked and have more time for it and catch the spark too for structuring more in depth writing ... and more ... 

Frustrations and Fun ...

Getting further and further into the outreaches of life beyond this world ... Although I was notified of the passing of Nancy. I have been trying to take an interest in reading ... The focus comes and goes.

The way a birth is announced. The humour in life from others. The moaning. The seriousness of things that others take in life, worried about this or that. I realise I have actually a lighter step than most ... In life now ... 

That is another plus ... What matters to others ... No longer matters to me ... I am free of such burdens ... 

Enjoying the gift of love

On from that ... I had before ... I have this to keep me buoyant in a home not quite how I have it yet ... there are good things to do and enjoy ... today is remembering the gift off love here flowing and floating around me ... 

Or a life yet settled ... either ... it will come in time I may stray off the path at times ... I have lots that have passed that is good and kind again ... even when it has been a sea of ever changing faces and personalities ...

A Struggler in all aspects of western life ...

decisions have been made on some items as they flow through my one man stand to bust the stash in my seclusion ... while the many other clients or not as in my case get intervention ... 

That will be sorted and stashed too. Using and perusing life that is no more. The end goal keeping me focused when I am in OK mood. A lot of tears, a lot of fears, a lot of seductive taste moments, steamy moments, a scented flame. Items flung into the trolley without hesitation, others not so. Items in use in the room or function in the flow of life in the way we maybe able to select. And that life is not greener. The fact that I am not at home sitting on my ass brooding as is often the thought. I am striving. I have not wanted to go on, at times. In discussions only at Christmas with my daughter's boyfriend on how suicide is portrayed. It is not a selfish act. There is so much more. Only those of us who have been there will know.

We have all had adversity in our lives ... 

Advertising ...

yesterday junk leaflets straight in the recycle bin ... the one touch rule finally in force ...

Rule, regs, guide lines, I am old school, which is becoming quite a banter ... in sisters new job post crisis in my time line ... cottage hospital is no more ... 

So too in the adverts my sister so loves ... I appreciate the time took to film, the cinematography. Although sometimes I don't just get it. And I hate all those late night ads. The selling and vying to part with your money, in a often still unethical way. 

Again being in an insulated world for a while. It gets even more irritating than it first did. Age defy era I am in, but still age is not only to do with the experience life gives. The fact I require the need to live. I can cheat and have absolutely everything delivered, I could have an evening meal delivered. I could work from home. I could never see another soul, not, only those deliveries, bring people to you instead. 

The Found Opportunities

From the undecided decided decisions made yesterday 

Using the really elegant lidded casserole dishes ... Relinquished from their hiding place and not from here ... More taste sensations ... more firsts with dishes and dumplings coming from a once lost room that went lifeless 

It is now bursting with life this morning ... This lunchtime and if I so fancy this afternoon ... Making a few biscuits not cooked in this particular kitchen yet ... 

The Lost Opportunities ...

still continue ... It is to be for now ... I would like to be free of the burdens of excess. My maternal Nan condensed down life before she passed away and distributed belongings during and end of years ... A concept I was adopting and then ... some ...

Therefore I am doing it ... a lot earlier to which is not understood. My daughter and I do not ever want to clear even a normal property either on my death, with the complicated life we lead, it will be required. My cousins wife took a month to clear her parents on death. Living in social housing there is a time limit anyway. Then the void period with time constraints to get this property back in use.

Another concept of social housing I like. A bit rigorous like funerals and birth, a conveyor belt of life. Here, then gone in a blink.

Decisions on the Undecided today ...

On items put aside from before  ... More space created, in these items getting to a destination for others to enjoy and use ...

They are a mixture of items not interested in, unlikely to use, or plain do not want to be reminded ... There are a lot of things that irritates my memories from a life led in that dank darkness and coldness of people's reactions to us ... 

This Very Special Leap Year ...

still to come a silver wedding anniversary, that would have been. The family has just given thanks for a recent Diamond Wedding Anniversary of one of my late Dad's elder brothers. 

29 February 2016

For today making use of enjoying the extra hours today brings. I am now benefiting from all the recent hard work in a home getting to reverse the trend in neglect from an unusual time. A life less ... but more productive ... I hope when more wall space is revealed and space in general. 

Already enjoying what has appeared even though I still cannot believe, I am now without the one I love ...

Ps, I love you moments

From a now bygone era ... Yet again ironically just as our daughter whose birthday this leap year falls on the day she was born ... A Saturday  ... following that I will celebrate too ... when we got engaged in Corwall one leap year past ... n a much simpler way now with time ... and maybe some cooking or go to our favourite restaurant ?

Hard Life ... Or Easier Life ... From Hard Copy to Cluttering up ...

with my words and images virtually instead of dustily ... This is the dilemma ... The pros versus the cons of our diverse and varied life's ... so different ... but just as life absorbing as our predecessors ... 

I dread to think my word count ... with words predicted as I type speeding up my typing as compared with the manual writing ... The fact my fingers are more likely to type now than hold a pen after living with hoarding ... 

The fact I have been able to unleash suppressed creativity after time away from the workings of a world inside a home ... And how others interpreted others life styles and easily condemn ... It has not been with out fascination during such adverse conditions that crept and happen upon us all in a series of events  ... that came about from others failings on our needs to  avoid what became an agonising and undignified life to death ...