A woolly head

mess ... however working through it in a slap dash fashion. An early stroll out. The air needed after being couped up. The rest in a peace of a weekend. Thankful for that, to heal from much , more and besides. 

I expect I will forget things. I can only but try to get ready to be elsewhere a while ... I have plenty to do besides the functions in a day. I have an appointment to fulfil which requires preparation. 

And the fathom of the boxes emptied ready to pack in a car to be patient with .... The pack of items from a Nans room when it was cleared of her saved photos, a sewing table her granddaughter wanted. Her clothes and cuddly toys were dispersed. The furniture donated to the home. A mirror packed in the shed we squeezed in here. The last little memories going North, after she too passed last year. The irony that all that was local with the in laws living in the region all their lives. (Apart from the father in laws evacuation from London, during the the Second World War).

It will be travelling afar to a new home like the two of us left. One born and bred herself in the area, but now lives North. And one born in one county, bred in another, and had a family in their locality.  

And although London is good for some vocations, and ideas I have, the tug of a more laid back dreckly beckons. The cycle to walk the trails and cliff tops are winning me over. 

Sperm, eggs, abortion,

death in hell ...

Then the laughter comes in such merriment. The day in much of muchness that I now live with. The spins of dizzy exacerbated by germs of others that blow through the change in weather climates. The cold of death resides in my heart more so in these times.  

The point in

pivot... the time in juncture of more results ... the abundance of non action outcomes ... the gaps of care too many ... the outrage in so many stretched services ... the costs in life far more than another power point out of reality in a golden castle! 

The power grabbers out of ordinary, through time in many histories ... the trodden on, die aplenty across the span of millennia ... 

Wretched ...

death scene finds ...

 .... and the bin been at by the vermin and now scattered ... this from the half term spring clean and ignorance in accessing the stores for everyone. Those lazy with a car make it difficult for us without ... 

Too big for the bin ... from the days of kin on the committees .. one needs to keep on top of the change inspired by resident involvement... 

This an issue with fly tipping ... no one with money flow worries wants to pay to have rubbish too big for the bin taken ... 

The down side of others rubbish, currently throwing the bin in from a distance at times ...  

The phobia in what lurks in bins that I now avoid having in my own! 

The toss in errands ....

refuse, recycle, bottles, and donations. And get the flow of items needed for personal care and to nourish... 

This shopping to put away. The items in start of a return to rotate the stock dates in case I am tired to shop returning from the travels incorporated too.. I have bounced along a tad better. The new old ways returning in the cupboards and routines. The flow of movement in space. The access better. 

Now to remember what I have done, and not return to the old new habits .... and where I put the rarely used to daily usage. 

Habits die hard ....

I am glad I was not too ruthless with some craft stash items 

A lot was tossed. 

My stash hidden by time of a place in 107 .... in the early days of grappling much ... today I am enjoying getting to finish a project started in the days of much, including an injury that put an hand temporarily out of action .... That beautiful project, I have recently been reacquainted with ... 

Thankful I could crochet as well as knit and sew .... 

Where I could not finish the knitting during the passive exercises to regain movement ... I could still crochet which generally uses one hook ... 

The trouble with being arty and crafty. One used to make cards, embroider, sew, quilt, cook, preserve, where things could be made, they were made. 

Now people are lucky if they get even get a mass produced item! A daughter generally the only one, the most understanding. Things matter to so many. One does not think that the other person or member of staff getting irritable or unable to do, may have lost a spouse too. 

All that has been achieved

to boost the morale here.

I cannot really believe in the surrealness what has been done again. I went on a coach to Southampton, I succeeded the second time in doing this trip. How fascinating was it to step back in such a familiar area again! And to spend my first night in Durley too! 

I maybe stepping out in a new role if it suits. The success of the process so far, uplifting. I still have a way to go. They said I be better suited from my experience in a more hands on role. I can eventually do both if so wish. The thorough procedure to work with those on the wards. A fascinating array of opportunities in this hospital environment... 

This day

a birthday once of a father in law. A bright day outside. A day for the flurry of funeral arrangements, for another family, in the family. My family.

I notified the kiddie whilst at work. The social media can be a source of contention in these times. This family who supports my daughter on given her space there, for a change of scenery from here, and her home town. She has only just arranged to stay again soon, to spend time with my cousin in that area.

The understand of family in my downsizing attempts. And that she too needs space to come to terms  with much. And how difficult to come home with not just her father not here, The reminders of that time still echoing in theses walls.

It is not, never ... just about me! 

Not ...

rue the day no more ... will be the time the past will finally be shaken off. The tasks forward and present will be much easier. However a lot to get there yet. The kind people a zillionfold more; than those who yell sullen terse comments too. A lot of stressful people one February Saturday. The expectations of the love in the air, tis like Christmas etc. Much is anticipated....

I nearly barked back at a lady on that day again, for being a moaner. I thought better of it. My halo around me does not give anyway my dilemmas ...  as in could be hers too?  The weekend shopping a chore for some, after the expectations of women to manage so much. It is the women who pick up the poo after the dog, well it was one January day in the Cornish town of Padstow. It is generally the women who tend to ills and schedules?!

I appear so usual to those around, in the step back out in getting mutual respect in general again. From the way I am interacted with, in all the forms of regaining a place back out the door. The way it is with how I would be appreciated in the field of a vocation, now I am of a more mature age. In fact I was compared with having more value in my aims, than a blonde bimbette. Now that shows me life never really changes! Ironically in recent times seeing much about nurses, when Matron used to be in charge ...   

the wind down again ...

... for appointments and things in plan ... although I know I could be too absorbed and forget myself. I  have struggled with my routines and emotions. The overwhelming situation for daily functions. 

I will attempt to tidy up the mess I made this week last. I have been absorbed in mind of colour, for the decor. The textures of chalk paint that inspired my Mum to do her front room from. The fascination in my paint recipes for my entrance one Spring. A freshness and new feeling this brings. I have missed that immensely. 

It is hard to do with so much in the way. And the inner conflicts from a time of bother to not being able to to function let alone decorate and change the decor around  ... 

I have to resign myself to the fact of this for a while longer. This week reduction in mugs, and dwindle down to just what I see to use. The set of dishes that make me feel good. The basic cook implements I have made do with so far.

The kitchen I have returned to in this spring clean season. I have washed down cupboards and walls a tad, along with the reduce and dispersals ...  and again dispersed what was not used since last in this area ... 

The functions in a kitchen where the dust will not settle as much ever again ... ? 

Top of the hot

... hit list is the kitchen functions ... currently ... even the little cafeteria sachets in silly packets gives me such discernation ... anything that is such joy to others in dispensing in such fashion of sell or give ... gets me... 

The lotto booths with the life of naughties. The booze aisles always with much discussions of the choice of wine. The pay for view in the hidden corners of towns under guise of beauty salons in pamper ... 

The hidden society of well being sought in usual or deemed seedy of want to desire the high ...  ...

Life in less

that unfortunately no-one quite grasps. Even the third parties of counselling... the concepts for kin are different too. 

I want to give more time on using new words, than I currently do. Only I have to grab what this inundated time brings and appreciate it for that ... 

The wind down for another day in overloaded brain drain ... either this mental workout out will  reduce the risk of Dementia or increase it! 

And when I am overloaded the words confuse and articles do not flow in better ... the start that seems forever ... to keep this time going on post crisis from many conversations then, in the more and more far off past of ....

.... of those saying of myself standing back and saying to myself  ... 'I did it!' 

... I am still doing It! ...

The days special ...

along to a birth of a baby, now well grown. The days alone with the memories of this particular season. 

I am in the swing of spring clean with the more tedious task of that that is still in my way to do this problem free. The many a function hindering my creativity.... that now in much adjustment to replenish my functions further to heed the healing ... 

Not sure when it

was .... there was an howl of the wind in the night ... the sounds of the Cornish wind tunnel would have been put to shame ... 

...unless it my my whistling tornado dreams ... with the perpetual upheaval of memories within ! 

The shred in the burn

we had bonfires for the paperwork mountain at the other home ... I am ensconced in communal rules and regs so the labourious  way rather than await the pay to shift list time that I seek towards the areas I do not wish to see again in a time zone not conducive to recovering !!!!