Intriguing hours

out of sync. At least plans are put in place a bit more. The long haul back to civilisation... it will be amazing to see a dog back in the home that is once again frequented. It has been strange not to have a welcome from the dogs I never saw again. 

I am glad not to be travelling the day after a shift on ward. A sister’s suggestion to come that day in time for her to travel to her niece. The plans flying back and forth about what Auntie would enjoy up North from my experiences ... A day in Wales for my sister has never been to Wales. The tearoom that is lush with local produce, she will no doubt love. It will be too cold for the Icecream parlour. And lots of other ideas to try out for her first time back to the area since Graduation time. She gets to snuggle and cuddle kitty first, whilst I get first cuddles with Puppy Poppy... The irony in how things change from the initial thought of seeing the kitten first in the long distance get togethers that now happen once more  ... 

The over excited

anticipation now of meeting a new puppy is causing a restless start to what had been an early night. I will just have to doze off on the train to Kernow. I have at least had a restful evening. And some time still to do the transition in winding up a disgruntled home. It has made itself known in the creaks of time lost in abundance... 

The photos of a kitten has entertained me from afar. I ever so briefly met him in October... We will now have the same with a puppy. When I see dogs taking the human for a walk it reminds us of getting one suited to needs. My Mum has gone for a smaller breed to the past. A wise decision ... 

Another batch of

intertwined time of coastal with mountain views this time round. One day the tops of those mountains lost in the haze of clouds. Another day crystal clear, almost not believing the bleak though beautiful sight of these mountainous ranges appearing in view round and up and down steep hills, on our recent road trip. A daughter, a young lad and myself enjoying coastal walks and hoard games. The food basic. We came to this mystery destination for the views, not the food. 

My daughter bemused at the two of us that had a game of guess in suspense where she was taking us, and our exploration on arrival at where we were laying our heads for a few nights. 

...And then back to it making way for some future times, instead of past times sitting like a time lost in and around me in the shadows. I was able to refresh the ideas away from the situation a lot clearer. The ideas for December through from my now new year the transition of time in adjusting to the actions of those plans. 

It continues to be arduous. Each small task accumulating into end in sight ... another achievement in spending a brief time on one of the many isles that make the British Isles. A sudden change of plan worked quietlyin surprise while I did my stint in a hospital.  This to keep my spirits up with a bit of a bumpy time of late. The feeling of self worth in that, time on a ward, and shifting stuff back into a more manageable life ever so slightly each week into time slots more regular. 

The magnitude pull

of life in pieces and bits. A piece of city life captured in an extended afternoon, one day. Though I have been in the depths of the home since. The facebookers on their holidays not pulling me back to I want to do that ... I do a bit, then retreat a while. Then come back again, mostly revigorated. Though I feel on the outer rim of life 

The cousins in various locations. The Pennines. Another cousin close, in that our Mums are twins, in the area we spent time together, on holiday, popping in to see a Mum and sister while in that vicinity in early August ... 

We have made plans for things, and ideas juggling of meeting up for another time in the city, out of season. A ferry trip across the waters. Or a tunnel trip to Europe? And of course Mum or pets sits ... 

For now all I am intersted in negotiating the way out of here. Whilst enjoying the glorious fact I have access to North, South, across the waters ...the lavender fields now harvested, the hops and orchard season upon us soon. And the Capital that when I do venture out, I can enjoy that too for now while I can do in the travels near, in small doses.

Worn out and jaded

and sprucing up the home inside. The finds to replace the worn. The normal periodic clothes dispersal with clothes that got lost again in the remedies to turn this home back into functional ways. 

Ignoring the calling to get stuff decorated etc until the way forward is clearer. I would like a exercise bike again. That a thought, when shifted a few of the excessive in all matters to enable this. 

The exuberance in the way things used to function; jaded with dismal thoughts. It does finally appear that things and rituals are clearing in all manners. I have been ruthless in shopping. I have adjusted shopping habits in the weekly food shop. A bit more space now to get the dusting and polish achieved back into the timetables and schedules 

The mind is forgetful when overwhelmed. The knowledge that I might be repeating myself too, It will be good when the final simplicity I aspire to is put in place ... 

For now to get into some clean slumber wear, taste the freshly baked cake, put my feet up and watch a film ... The light faded in the smallest room of the abode ... reminding me another day is coming to its final end ... 

Another few days away

from the arduous to some duvet days to recover the stresses and strains of a little time in the Capital  ....I finally caught up with the final instalment of The Night of the Museum saga. They are funny the first time round ... 

I have changed the rituals of the clothes, bedding and chores within ... and planning the next saga in the many elements I am still processing .... including what seems long to those that don't understand. I am doing long lost things again and trying to relish opportunities.... it may take a long time if ever to feel relinquished of that time ... 

What works generally for others; do not sit right with me.. I had too long a time not seeing another soul ... 

An epic scale of science ...

one Monday afternoon in the height of the summer holidays. The bag search on entering. The maze of people in fluctuations, free flowing and busy. The hub bub of every country, a selection of the world mingling within a world of changing times. We went right up into the rafters of time and space. 

The spectrum of science in everyday life. The clutter indoors of outside in. It was rather a large scale reminder of things lurking in the home, and the research previously in donating specific items that is not history yet being consigned to the dark of the landfill route. 

How a pair of of dice made an exhibit in this building ... albeit from the 1900s ... the science in the game of chance ... 

We have found many games in the extremities of our home. The articles related in 'Would you live like this?' coming to light in this time in how distasteful and not empathetic entirely with such a home looking like a pigsty. A lot of hoarders are over meticulous in other areas of life, in part of the mind that obviously does not function in what is perceived normal ... I witnessed this meticulous attitude in things that didn't need attention, how dirty was clean, and clean was dirty, within this spectrum of what others deemed as hoarding, and so much more. It has been interesting in how a lot of people came, went and commented over this process in my life that came by in this segment on how some can't live in the right manner ... 

The thoughts recent of how wasted that kind of such intellectual capacity. The diverse times in sacred now. The time that should have been relishing some us time after raising the family. The stepping out yesterday in a familiar but very dark foreboding life beyond the wall. In the flip of a second my diverse emotions can be joyous one second and in despair the next ... 

Ploughing, burrowing

funnelling inside again. After a little time in the peaks, vales, the coast and the ginormous satellite dish in the space of the Northern English countryside. The science of the whispering dishes and other interactive gadgets ...

The delicious food experiences of good ol' fish and chips under the Blackpool Tower,  the sharing of a birthday meal on the Peak District borders where quality is over quantity ... though a little of the fancy going on ...

This food tasting on a rainbow day; in view of the stunning outstanding scenery ... 

When the dessert arrived, the boyfriend exclaimed 'Where's the rest of it?' ... the banter in we can't take him anywhere. And he should try out the many courses of  a medieval banquet from those youthful svelte times in tune with lots of ale experience in norm days ...   the courses deliciously ample in mouthful size for the amount of courses ...

Swirls of time and space

🚀 in all aspects. 

wherever you sat in a rain swept county in England

In the nitty gritty

and the hopes the feelings keep me buoyant in this crucial time. A August inside this year to do the necessary in clearing up the remnants of the shite left. It exacerbates the feelings of much that is annoying and antagonistic that influences the try in keeping on top of things ... 

The pretence in much of the supposed professionals who like my own daughter ... they may be brilliant in their field, but common sense can be so lost in these amazing minds ... minds outstanding are the ones who get complexities like a intellectual hubbie and many others we know... 

That is fact and not any of this trash of being ism of sorts ... I have comprehended much in a world where we cannot really speak our minds. Especially seeing a multitude of words and items not produced anymore. A toy kept to pass on to daughter of a deceased hubby. A car 🚗 with Noddy, Big Ears and Golliwog ..... I believe the later productions of the golly was replaced with a teddy bear ... 

Multiple plans

another long phone call with a daughter. It is so good to see a use for items given first refusal. There is so much in landfill already without the cluttering of many, along with the plastic shite produced world wide. The times in a river to detangle the wildlife from the plastic rings that hold the cans together discarded by mindless people ... This plastic always making the news. This plastic too surrounding our life in home and work and leisure that give off toxic fumes when the equation of fire risk ignites in the science of diagrams at a induction day for volunteering 

The thoughts too on much again this time in alter ... hospital food on my radar from that voluntary time in hydration given in more than my loved ones now. The strangers who we come into contact with a while on a more personal level than most within a unit in a hospital... 

The plans forthcoming in days away. The suitcase getting packed with more items to depart from here. A multitude of tasks to keep me occupied in thought and deed .. 

The en masse to massive

difference in the change backs ...the take back the control at the helm. The major difference in acceptability in one agency to another I hope a distance past to come!  ... I have varying plans to get the abode decorated as originally entailed with getting a quote for a fund to do? And finding a career to better put me on my feet for moving. 

The turmoils to disperse to get to thy aims?  I am putting my needs first. It may seem a long time to others. Absolutely no one knows what my view out on life is.  And the tragedy is others don't value or appreciate outlooks unless they too have been impacted massively... in life to what it was. And although I am adapting back in ways, it is altered to not only wisdom that comes in years ... for some the wisdom from tragic circumstances that differ to the norm that come in a personal history of events. And sometimes untimely and unbecoming...

And my impact is never not seen ...it is within ... in all aspects 

The now in the past

the swirl round of the life intermixes .... the people and the stuff of life .... 

For me ...

... the getting back my set up ways after the space invasion... the laundry, the clean, the tidy up of dragging about with the ferret through of treasures or shite! 

The shattered feeling in such a compact time in alternating dust clouds for sun clouds . 

For them ... the safe arrival home with a loaded vehicles cle packed with useful goodies rather well by them ... The excitement after work today of setting these items up, the start in the newly decorated and refurbished rooms in giving the items the allocated use in the relevant way ... 

It 'tis amazing to see life how we are used to it again !!!!!! 

A week that 'twas

A cheeky daughter! 

and the shift in time. The treasures in a room behind a door from the clutter clearance to what matters. The personal treasures. A ruthless chuck in time in still. The decision made to chuck .... what still I am schtum on. 

I have surveyed what the kin started on .... I am left awhile again to my own woeful world to say goodbyes ... I have my set up in mind, the room plans and now going into the swirling movement of removals in dust clouds in a room to lay out after the toss .... 

This toss and turn in mind overdrive. The pace to come in time. The progress will settle one ... the peace that follows the turmoil all too familiar ... the dreams my daughter have that only us that are in those situations know the disturbed nightmares. We have shared much on the impact from that lack of duty of care in yet another burst of time here again ... 

The amazing experiences shared again on our own turf that left us both with faces aglow with wonder. The cheeky fun from what we find in working through the glut of time lost ....

And back to a river we used to live by. The once easy access to walk along this river too. The palette of colour in the time spent together in this area. The mossy water greens to a view from the hills and vales of shimmering gold fields to the aroma in the breeze of sweet smelling purple fields of lavender... 

The once local farm shop full of Kent sourced goodies of all manners seen again after many seasons passed when we were both younger enjoying this life lost awhile once again ...

Even though we moved just up the road ... we came back here often until the world closed in on us ... 

The sparkle

amore this time next week. We shall be seeing what brings in these hours when one becomes more awhile in the paper flutter now of only extensive documents and not newspapers! 

The silent respect of no newspapers coming into the home from these beloved people. The activity coming forth from plans made last summer who two more drivers in the experience of the first year in passing. 

I caretook of more belongings after the death of another core family member too while they set up home. It will now be moving with a huge sigh of relief on my part ... 

I want a capsule life so they may never face this task which would be difficult more; when it is my turn to leave stuff for others to sort on death ... 

The week of another set of new beginnings

and certainly with a chalk up of how kin are still dealt with the dots and ts not crossed. On hold in the permanent stasis in the background of the abhorrent deal in death ...

... we had better things to look to. We are still chuckling how the elders on a ward one time, very much a mixed bunch of what they can even say more bluntly in the input of advancing years, if that is their characteristic mode. If a younger person had said it it would have had to be reported ... The discretion in not every word or deed noted... ! 

Our Dad was blunt. It was character building. And indeed after the social exclusion, if this person was looking for the reaction expected, it was not what they anticipated. 

And much goes on long before I came along and will continue to do so... nothing I say to those on who I report to will be surprised either! 

My late husband one of those impressionists of life, a watcher of people in mannerisms and dialects relayed many an experience from the many views of life in various situations.... 

... now I have many a tale to relay again, though the home is empty on arrival back home. The first moments, here, and in Kernow where Dad in retirement bounded down from the top of the home to make a pot of tea ... the latter years with a husband off work one was greeted with a brew too!  And those unique twinkles in greetings only loved ones have for you! 

en masse tidy

in a roundabout fashion. The tides in past wound up with a phobic person who happened to deteriorate in austerity times in cutbacks all round. It rubbed off on us a tad. Today the break free of routine back to making time to dust and vacuum ... where I can. It gets tedious when my daughter and her beau come to stay. 

Though now those plans last August while i was in the North West of England, when kiddo came in jangling the keys to her car she had her eye on kept with a deposit ...  if she passed her driving test that particular day on that occasion, now in progression finally. 

The movement in a once stuffed of clutter abode shows up each day. The schedules in ease to go and spend time in a hospital in gift of time now able to do so. 

And NOW the charity and tip runs a lot in ease for a while, to claim back more space much desired. Although with so many invisible obstacles in the mish mash of depressive states in among the Hallelujah times hinders some of the weeks past... 

the long haul that that one is achieving will see where we are at for the next stage ... my sister thinks I might stay if it returns to a nicer environment. 

 The pull to come and go in the future more so I feel at times!...

The hub for one ...

in a room to cook ...

The only most used items kept handy ... also the way to function when the cupboards had been clogged with that left to sift through after a clearance and clean en masse  .... 

It 'twas also a way of not being used to the space to function, in getting the cooking that I used to love done. To make healthy food. A spectrum lost in our care ... 

It takes a while to get used to the reclaimed organisation ... you become used to a total different way of surving minute to minute. A day today that sees others using the food banks ... it was good to see the realisation of the food provided more substantial than what we had at the end times. 

And the toiletries to wash and use in hygiene including sanitary wear ... one of my support workers noticed the stock I had of this personal care post trauma.. I did not explain further to the comments. It is something only I know. I had immense problems in this time with no access in the final months to clean my clothes!!! An element completely lost on those who did not do the duty of care! It was horrific along with the socks stuck to my feet ...ouch and eeek !!! 

The clutter in

an environment on a unit of wards within a setting of beds with little quiet in privacy .. yes a place my husband had such a phobia of ... The dance around not only people in the hierarchy of uniforms, the trolleys of all descriptions too. The array of disposal means and cleans ... The hydration ... The dietary restrictions and requirements among the sea of clinicians. It is hard on this unit to have the protected mealtimes ... 

The infection control at an induction day training where you you can't wash your hands enough ... the time allowance for this procedure alone with just the hours I give in various tasks ...

It has given me the insight I require to find a way through and back in life ... the days again in switching on duty to switching off what is seen on these occasions ... 

The many conversations in company of the bluntness or the quiet disquiet in unique ways we all are especially when we can be stuck a while on such a busy ward ... the usually silent acceptance of being there! The reassurance for those confused for whatever reason. 

I am naturally learning as I go, on from those times a tad and a whole lot more in how some things are still stagnant. And some amazing ways it has naturally evolved for the good too. One of the most poignant ways is the continued commitment for communication in optimum when required for Dementia... to lessen the confusion for each individuals when out of their environment so it is known what is liked and disliked etc  ... 

A little time away

from the innards of much still to get back on track ... it is difficult to clock off from home in the home ... it is hard to relax especially when you go out of the comfort zone ... 

I have enjoyed the heat on a shopping precinct and on a high street ... I have met many a random stranger much friendlier than on my doorstep . And in or from the London boroughs ... this week alone in doing so ..

And the movement in stretch of mind and body. The joy of coming back home to cool off with a non alcoholic cocktail, later followed with a Italian style cone of icecream ....

The taste divine of altering my shopping habits to some new flavours not only in seasonal goodies ... lots of differences in the last few months to alter the course of humdrum darkness that are still in the recesses.  The much cleared in small doses of fresh air wafting slowly back in all filters of life 

Navigation

a little of the theme for another Month. The astonishing array in the path that led to this week. The videos, pictures in animation. The playful selfies. The diverse terrain. A daughter very much at the heart of this. A sister, cousin and of course my Mum .... and the wider family in staying with them for the various get togethers...  

The views that flash by travelling, by road or rail. And feet. I have not boarded much other than that. The place where I am at would sink a boat, or the aircraft would drop out the sky. It is bad enough for  the poor lift groaning with me and me luggage! 

Plans to Time in a month

of fish and chips by the sea, a cinema trip and the all important clearing a glut of stuff. We are all eager to move into the next phase of reality coming back in a more of a  contextual life, 

A long weekend in the Summer and a time in anther season in cottage by the sea. And a lot of other new experiences not in the disdainful compliance to deflect my true mode in mood ... The skip back in a step every now and again, again .... instead ... ..

I am back in the part of the week to clear delete and bin ... 

the balance in the new

old ways in counterbalancing all that is significant now to me. The days in the new segment of this lease of life some have at this time. This for some who balance the choice to work with nesting for a family if that is our wish to looking after others generally for whatever circumstances. 

the transitional hours to do new things, getting that into the hours in give and further into the strands now getting picked up  At the end of this period of time that was oft talked about in the initial post trauma to actually getting some wish back on track for me and me only ...

The insurmountable relief

in what some of the big milestones in life are fixed back into place, the documents needed if anything happens to a little un abroad, that she is finally gaining in experience with others, not the lone travel she has done a lot of in the U.K. My driving license not yet appeared in the documents collated from the clear thus far. The references back in place sourcing one from the start of time ... and a current one ... There is still a lot of gaps, a lot was supported where the urgency in the immediate time. 

I have a fire safe unfortunately the items like birth marriage certificates were not put back but I do have treasured items still there. It only fits so much ... and now the important events or documentation  in the once had is never there again ..

I have adapted to much back and different again... each day I am flinging off the ways that life with a hoarder rubbed off on us .. I question my shopping do I need that ingredient or can I make it tasty with that ... 

I did like my lotions and potions and a little bit of this and that ... I am rethinking all the time my Crafts ... my family find it different I am not sketching, designing, paper crafting or sewing or knitting or crochet or embroider ... I do things on my device that does not cause mess... only people think you social mediating or playing games... 

Although I still not had the patience to further the start of sketching on the pad... I still like the texture and feel of the medium on good quality artists paper!! 

The swirl of ideas

and the logistics of all new in tandem. The health, paperwork, clearing, collating, packing, getting into a swing . Along with my biggest step out to date ... taking the actual plunge in rehabilitation of  time in patching the way for a future. One that is nearer than ever out of this environment 

I would like to have been in Kernow by now. The struggles of staying on course in this life paramount The time when was it worth the bother!

However the strive to rehabilitate around in more structure is coming to be more of a robust area to atune life on 

A ,long way back

creating versus caring ... designing versus admin ... the aspects of life reduced in all avenues ... The  tiny step out into the community in minimal fuss... for a very short time, while clearing a life at home too ... The long discussions and decisions and whining to a definitive start to see where I sit or stand in life from now. 

How much stress do I want in a life, career or mission? Do I chug along ? Will I still be forthright? The countenance of an environment where everybody and their suggestions are considered with gusto in co or facilitating individually changes in the NHS and business private, retail or the like en masse with the media output change in direction ... 

And where the voluntary world has not quite caught up with the real world too. The process of references ... like me out the loop a while and isolated ... A doctor will not give passport or personal references. They have enough to do without more form filling and red tape! 

The computer systems reduce a lot of manual admin. 

The rest I cannot divulge for the forms one signs in the hospital world ... 

Return to sender

the scratch card etchings, tobacco, newspapers are only a scratch of refusals, bemoaning and avoidance 

I have been able to enjoy an occasional tipple or beer. And it is still in the bottle when I go back to it! The change of a mind over time was insidious .... until the influx of external stress ...it manifested out of control ... the bystanders gave up too ... plus the determination in a daughter to track a life towards her wishes and aspirations... in tandem with this 

I am really feeling it now the fraught of everything and key people and events at the same time now easing a tad ... the reflections that time lost is impacting me now. A daughter time which had many connotations we are adapting, talking and both feel the tidal flow into ripples 

Ridding

the virtual clutter. A task I attempt to get in a ritual with. I certainly like a lot about a phone change, it all links up with more ease than before! I slowly got used to it.. A sister changed her work phone  this week from an iPhone to a Microsoft one. The ease in her now painfreeish hands to hold  .... The hands are still awkward at times to navigate daily use ... 

This platform has new templates I have not bothered to try yet! I am still adjusting to blogs not shown in published order. Updates are at most outstandingly good in design.  You just have to get used to not being in love with anything that changes ... 

Astmospheric Salzburg ...

this evening by a loggy fire. A traditional time in song .... abbeys, chapels and abbots in unusual amid the history of true life ...

                                                                      .. 💖💖💖💖

A post not finished from the thirteenth of April ... twas in lackadaisical mode. And I found I was not up to talking or much ... 

I came back hitting the ground running on the well being of which I banged on about ... until no more. You know when to cut your losses ... 

It still not made much difference to the inner welfare. Outwardly I ready for go with a slow long drawn out process where the minimum is three months ... 

A ridiculously wasteful amount of time and resources ... never not new in that ... 

shadows in shades ...

... silver in granite greys sparkled in sunlight rays, this day.

... lashings of lush spring buds and greens. the colour spectrum in the blue freshness; another day outside away from the dankness 

... a garden centre trek with a myriad of scents, all the senses tickled in thrilling on a Spring day ...

... the slip of a cow in brilliant yellow, all helped made the mood more mellow!

Watch with Mother ...

I expect Bill and Ben to be among here; or Mary, Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow?  moments awhile ... across the miles ... from one clime to a springtime ! 

A life less cluttered

how many times muttered?
Piers, weirs, waterwheels and tears
a little more each time recovered,
A smile the flutters, these discoveries,
mesmerising beauty of images covered
in dust of time in chaos climes,
restored into modern pixels to utter
from shades of past, still bearing scars,
there is still much in many smiles
this path trod so zig zag in miles !

The financial change

upon us with the alterations to keep tabs on ... the array of unnecessary items through the letterbox for items this particular home doesn't like ... including the religious stuff on Mothers Day ... 

I have enough bibles for a library with all the free ones doled out ... and the presentation gifts. 

All the Sally Army items of things going back years of the in laws siting through the unnecessary to get to the cherished stuff ... 

The abundantly

obvious unexpected rest in rest on coping with just the now and future makes for a more tranquil life ... though plans in making by research, when I can with support, on the fluctuating turmoils still surrounds ... 

My mind too fuzzy from the constant dull ache when I am irritated by much. The counterproductive in the environment... to the matters when it don't ... 

Other matters in mind

for now ... the await for several due processes ... and the tricky budget change while the body heals from the mischief of a bug bother ...

The beauty of being on your todd. One can pace themselves without hassles. The end o another month bypasses. The lent saint days. The special days. The BST days on the horizon ... 

The adjustment to the May days for a op to take place ...  

The weekly chores and the daily and the spring clean looking good, without the clutter burden trips presently while I arest awhile ... The clear back of normality without the hindrance this week since my crash, bang and wallop frustrations ... 

A memorable day

one Monday, after a debilitating time with other things ... A time in new along old familiar routes anew in distant change never not got ... 

A special few who sees what I attempts in ... 

This day after

some terse and bumpy times. I have done what I vowed and rested up for the rest of the week. The next two busy with various events in decluttering and the future other plans ... I have already getting the plans to repack the suitcase for then I am off again ... although I nearly turned heel yesterday and carried on down to Mums awhile. 

I am most tranquil we have found by the sea again ... I need that in this period of the grieving process 

Back to it ...

... the financial year gulf. The  South Westerly winds of lost time in fun ... The dilemmas hitting me with an invisible force though going for it! 

Tiresome to

tranquility ... the make the most of what got. The rest on return to see what is what with thy health ... irksome ... the delegation of much ... 

Thy time in

a more temperate situation in temporary ... the diverse settings within a week ... how subnormal my environment is ... to what people deem than seem ... 

The space in ..

... the daughter's home. The works still to do. The tulips in the corner, the sun shining outside ... a spring in Cheshire and many counties travelled in trains, tubes and car. And probably a bus or few before long ... 

A springish funeral. The crematorium still bleak from the Winter branches bare. The burst of buds more in some areas than others. I have seen pink and yellow blossom somewhere. The blur of much in ills. 

It is beautiful in the solace again, after some retched days again. When one is grieving for another Uncle and a few ills it stirs the much emotions to pull in from ... 

The simplicity in a few

days now elsewhere after the Bon Voyage ... I have made myself at home. A little cooking. A little washing. The unpacking of an overnight rucksack ... the day had started slow. I took a long shower. I planned some baking ... now it remains what can be achieved after some mishaps usual in different each time... 

A wind in change

for a climate more North, with a hamster spinning around for company. 

A road trip too, to celebrate the life of an Uncle. The clutter splutter on a hold to refresh the soul. The atmospherics and mood swings not conducive to life now. 

However no gain without pain is the theme said. And although this juncture of plans will be bursting into more fruition ... this time for some rest and recuperation in healing the transportation out of hibernation... 

A woolly head

mess ... however working through it in a slap dash fashion. An early stroll out. The air needed after being couped up. The rest in a peace of a weekend. Thankful for that, to heal from much , more and besides. 

I expect I will forget things. I can only but try to get ready to be elsewhere a while ... I have plenty to do besides the functions in a day. I have an appointment to fulfil which requires preparation. 

And the fathom of the boxes emptied ready to pack in a car to be patient with .... The pack of items from a Nans room when it was cleared of her saved photos, a sewing table her granddaughter wanted. Her clothes and cuddly toys were dispersed. The furniture donated to the home. A mirror packed in the shed we squeezed in here. The last little memories going North, after she too passed last year. The irony that all that was local with the in laws living in the region all their lives. (Apart from the father in laws evacuation from London, during the the Second World War).

It will be travelling afar to a new home like the two of us left. One born and bred herself in the area, but now lives North. And one born in one county, bred in another, and had a family in their locality.  

And although London is good for some vocations, and ideas I have, the tug of a more laid back dreckly beckons. The cycle to walk the trails and cliff tops are winning me over. 

Sperm, eggs, abortion,

death in hell ...

Then the laughter comes in such merriment. The day in much of muchness that I now live with. The spins of dizzy exacerbated by germs of others that blow through the change in weather climates. The cold of death resides in my heart more so in these times.  

The point in

pivot... the time in juncture of more results ... the abundance of non action outcomes ... the gaps of care too many ... the outrage in so many stretched services ... the costs in life far more than another power point out of reality in a golden castle! 

The power grabbers out of ordinary, through time in many histories ... the trodden on, die aplenty across the span of millennia ... 

Wretched ...

death scene finds ...

 .... and the bin been at by the vermin and now scattered ... this from the half term spring clean and ignorance in accessing the stores for everyone. Those lazy with a car make it difficult for us without ... 

Too big for the bin ... from the days of kin on the committees .. one needs to keep on top of the change inspired by resident involvement... 

This an issue with fly tipping ... no one with money flow worries wants to pay to have rubbish too big for the bin taken ... 

The down side of others rubbish, currently throwing the bin in from a distance at times ...  

The phobia in what lurks in bins that I now avoid having in my own! 

The toss in errands ....

refuse, recycle, bottles, and donations. And get the flow of items needed for personal care and to nourish... 

This shopping to put away. The items in start of a return to rotate the stock dates in case I am tired to shop returning from the travels incorporated too.. I have bounced along a tad better. The new old ways returning in the cupboards and routines. The flow of movement in space. The access better. 

Now to remember what I have done, and not return to the old new habits .... and where I put the rarely used to daily usage. 

Habits die hard ....

I am glad I was not too ruthless with some craft stash items 

A lot was tossed. 

My stash hidden by time of a place in 107 .... in the early days of grappling much ... today I am enjoying getting to finish a project started in the days of much, including an injury that put an hand temporarily out of action .... That beautiful project, I have recently been reacquainted with ... 

Thankful I could crochet as well as knit and sew .... 

Where I could not finish the knitting during the passive exercises to regain movement ... I could still crochet which generally uses one hook ... 

The trouble with being arty and crafty. One used to make cards, embroider, sew, quilt, cook, preserve, where things could be made, they were made. 

Now people are lucky if they get even get a mass produced item! A daughter generally the only one, the most understanding. Things matter to so many. One does not think that the other person or member of staff getting irritable or unable to do, may have lost a spouse too. 

All that has been achieved

to boost the morale here.

I cannot really believe in the surrealness what has been done again. I went on a coach to Southampton, I succeeded the second time in doing this trip. How fascinating was it to step back in such a familiar area again! And to spend my first night in Durley too! 

I maybe stepping out in a new role if it suits. The success of the process so far, uplifting. I still have a way to go. They said I be better suited from my experience in a more hands on role. I can eventually do both if so wish. The thorough procedure to work with those on the wards. A fascinating array of opportunities in this hospital environment... 

This day

a birthday once of a father in law. A bright day outside. A day for the flurry of funeral arrangements, for another family, in the family. My family.

I notified the kiddie whilst at work. The social media can be a source of contention in these times. This family who supports my daughter on given her space there, for a change of scenery from here, and her home town. She has only just arranged to stay again soon, to spend time with my cousin in that area.

The understand of family in my downsizing attempts. And that she too needs space to come to terms  with much. And how difficult to come home with not just her father not here, The reminders of that time still echoing in theses walls.

It is not, never ... just about me! 

Not ...

rue the day no more ... will be the time the past will finally be shaken off. The tasks forward and present will be much easier. However a lot to get there yet. The kind people a zillionfold more; than those who yell sullen terse comments too. A lot of stressful people one February Saturday. The expectations of the love in the air, tis like Christmas etc. Much is anticipated....

I nearly barked back at a lady on that day again, for being a moaner. I thought better of it. My halo around me does not give anyway my dilemmas ...  as in could be hers too?  The weekend shopping a chore for some, after the expectations of women to manage so much. It is the women who pick up the poo after the dog, well it was one January day in the Cornish town of Padstow. It is generally the women who tend to ills and schedules?!

I appear so usual to those around, in the step back out in getting mutual respect in general again. From the way I am interacted with, in all the forms of regaining a place back out the door. The way it is with how I would be appreciated in the field of a vocation, now I am of a more mature age. In fact I was compared with having more value in my aims, than a blonde bimbette. Now that shows me life never really changes! Ironically in recent times seeing much about nurses, when Matron used to be in charge ...   

the wind down again ...

... for appointments and things in plan ... although I know I could be too absorbed and forget myself. I  have struggled with my routines and emotions. The overwhelming situation for daily functions. 

I will attempt to tidy up the mess I made this week last. I have been absorbed in mind of colour, for the decor. The textures of chalk paint that inspired my Mum to do her front room from. The fascination in my paint recipes for my entrance one Spring. A freshness and new feeling this brings. I have missed that immensely. 

It is hard to do with so much in the way. And the inner conflicts from a time of bother to not being able to to function let alone decorate and change the decor around  ... 

I have to resign myself to the fact of this for a while longer. This week reduction in mugs, and dwindle down to just what I see to use. The set of dishes that make me feel good. The basic cook implements I have made do with so far.

The kitchen I have returned to in this spring clean season. I have washed down cupboards and walls a tad, along with the reduce and dispersals ...  and again dispersed what was not used since last in this area ... 

The functions in a kitchen where the dust will not settle as much ever again ... ? 

Top of the hot

... hit list is the kitchen functions ... currently ... even the little cafeteria sachets in silly packets gives me such discernation ... anything that is such joy to others in dispensing in such fashion of sell or give ... gets me... 

The lotto booths with the life of naughties. The booze aisles always with much discussions of the choice of wine. The pay for view in the hidden corners of towns under guise of beauty salons in pamper ... 

The hidden society of well being sought in usual or deemed seedy of want to desire the high ...  ...

Life in less

that unfortunately no-one quite grasps. Even the third parties of counselling... the concepts for kin are different too. 

I want to give more time on using new words, than I currently do. Only I have to grab what this inundated time brings and appreciate it for that ... 

The wind down for another day in overloaded brain drain ... either this mental workout out will  reduce the risk of Dementia or increase it! 

And when I am overloaded the words confuse and articles do not flow in better ... the start that seems forever ... to keep this time going on post crisis from many conversations then, in the more and more far off past of ....

.... of those saying of myself standing back and saying to myself  ... 'I did it!' 

... I am still doing It! ...

The days special ...

along to a birth of a baby, now well grown. The days alone with the memories of this particular season. 

I am in the swing of spring clean with the more tedious task of that that is still in my way to do this problem free. The many a function hindering my creativity.... that now in much adjustment to replenish my functions further to heed the healing ... 

Not sure when it

was .... there was an howl of the wind in the night ... the sounds of the Cornish wind tunnel would have been put to shame ... 

...unless it my my whistling tornado dreams ... with the perpetual upheaval of memories within ! 

The shred in the burn

we had bonfires for the paperwork mountain at the other home ... I am ensconced in communal rules and regs so the labourious  way rather than await the pay to shift list time that I seek towards the areas I do not wish to see again in a time zone not conducive to recovering !!!!  

The coming together

of a permanently fragmented life. The pockets of time in reveal that one has to face to get the end in time. 

The decisiveness today on the missing tool sets ... the set of clothes where the dry cleaning used to hang ready... and in receipt of ... the  clothes of a deceased husband. A pair of worn socks before they used to rot off... The silent findings shouting to me from the echoes of time now distant past ... 

And the long windings in not having a skip or not, like with the other home ... just me and my time in slow and swift way until the planned time here of transportation and help to do the runs to the tip ... and the new home for items North ... 

The more of the planning convo in among my tert and terse sound offs about this process. 

By year end will see the list of items to look out for to others to proceed which is more than for one man really to do ... 

Bare trees

the nondescript sky, the dizziness that plaques one. The rumblings of depressive mode indeed. However designing in my better seconds seems to reinstate I still have the flair to think out the box ... 

Out of my hands

in literal and the decisions made and made and made ... 

... the continuing saga of life in transition... 

The ponder and not ...

I have finally taken a interest in a physical planner to routine up my haul remove in life  ... The ones on sale I like, too costly to worth the waste in shred, when the year is finished ... the refills just as costly ... 

My wonky world in that much ... 

With all this abundance around me ... I put to use my design hat, I duly printed my own version in much in there is in this world. 

The template ... the colour density in some pages for writing over ...

The speed in using a combination of the the tools available to me, other than the elongated. The template flipped to do the other days of the week. I then customised to add symbols already in printed, to not faff about ...the baking time I tend to do midweek. The allocated paperwork dispersal of hubby paperwork ... The sift back in order that brings the grrr in me ...

The customised ...

The custom page divided in morning afternoon and evening ... I tend to work through the home weekends. I allocated Monday for rest out time ... And a definite homemade meal Wednesday. I made Cornish Pasties this week. A vegetarian version. The variates for each month. The date put in when I plan? I have will have sections to  put in the plans to redesign my life through.

• Finances 
• Paperwork back in order 
• Vocational  
• Home management 
• Solutions to shift ... 
• The info needed for when I die ... a wish to collate items to ease the burden on those to deal 

There are tracker charts for everything and more 

• Mood 
• Diet 
• Weight
• Water 
• Meals 
• Budget 
• Cleaning 
• Bills 
• Social media time 
• Debt 
• Savings 
• Bucket list 
• Reading list
• Goals 
• Aims 
• Reflection 
• Well being 
• Mindfulness 
• Activity 
• Steps 
• Doodles 
• Art 
• Colour mood 

Now whether I continue to use it?

My sister set me out too with a Project Mojo planner... now is the time to bring that into function!

At least another career prospect ... a graphic design degree? I require more technical skills to mass produce !!!! 

  

The bore out the door

the perpetual...transition...

I will be back in the kitchen next week organising the find in way of cooking a bit better. The keep track and rotation of stock is more frugal with my new life style. The way forward in cooking and eating nutritionally. Once an array of spices and herbs and many baking items. I have reduced it down to the most oft and useful in multi functional ....

My aim once I was left alone again ... 

More relief on the

home recently. The disperse here there and everywhere. The tussles with either a big hauls and or diligent in doing very much a quandary ... 

There will be a point after kiddy been to relieve a bit where I will get someone to assist ... 

Thy celebration of

a life this weekend ... awaiting the roast to finish cooking .... a meal I promised myself many this January.... a twist on the festive meals I was not here for in the December... I have had varying seasonal aromas in November and this month instead. 

And today the poignant reminder my other half not here to share the abundance of good food and drink here this time ... 

The next phase

In my space, my time will lead to chipping away some more, while I work out beside charity coming and collecting the items .. 

This year sees more gumption in dealing with others to assist ...

Once kiddy comes in the spring too; I will see more what is left and decide on 

For now and tonight I am making another area more pleasing on the eye ... a room where one relaxes and sleep ... 

A chitty chat

and a banter with me family again. The progress up date on all aspects. The health. The home. My thoughts. Where I will be next year. And the all inmprtant now and future. The giving of my time, that is in due process. The forms signed. The references done. The DBS now dispatched ... 

I am tickled with this, as much as I am in dealing with the long haul. And the treat of all that December gave in time with so many too. 

Quandaries in that

quell ...a journey taken in all directions ... the chosen few to follow and not wander off task ... 

Task in hand

today was remembering where I had put all those silly certificates, that I not had with me for the informal interview last year. The first aid and defibrillator, the IT, the introduction to health and social care etc ... 

I had my recent acquired exam certificates and a few other bits. 

It tas been a day of bringing together more of the recent acquisitions to my volunteer portfolio to add to the current, for the future vocation selection ... 

I am knee deep in the post crisis accumulating tasks I banged on about in not handling my own scars in that bombardment of post time, added with unnecessarily junk mail handling that I now have a tad more of a system with ... the continuing deaths of key family members in the very middle of so much grief. And shoving it to one side in the rush of hospital bedside visits at key points of coma etc ... 

The not just spouse bereavement 

The loss of key elements of a fundamental organised functional life grief anf much more ... The loss of not just self, not quite got at times ...

A place to sleep. A place to wash and toilet needs. A place for clothes to dress in. A place to work in preparing food. A place to eat. A place to sit to eat. A place to sit and play. A place to sit and work. A place to just chill and relax ... and on it goes 

The coats and shoes in the right place to pick up and go out ...

And the keys and all life bits and pieces 

The storage of time; lost in the whispers ... 

the quandaries

In the kitchen with the shopping, though the proper use of space brings dividends in this room. It is a battle zone. The ultimate price of discarding everyday for the past at times is very irksome. The days where the shopping is scattered messy more than others. The attempt to enjoy the bake and cook that used to be easy with everything at hand! 

The focus

on how pleasing to return back home to what I had achieved last year now. The space created. Now I want more of it back in functions ... 

The groans still many on the functions to put my even undies somewhere after having a usual room to me at Mums ... and in the kitchen the fine tuning in getting to the areas to get rid of the mountain of paperwork in that area lurking in irksome ... to put my larder pantry back how I use it  ....then ready to move ... 

The logistics that others do not recognise ... yes I would like to get back to the county I grew in ... but first enjoy a freely running home into how it suits me ... first .... 

Everything in

Oblivion ... it tis another surreal day in clambering among the distaste in this home. Thee removal of more unwarranted goodies. The sheer waste of so much haunts those deathly thoughts. 

The mystical interaction with this consistently difficult quandaries. The time to refresh, recharge and restart avpchieved  ... 

Back in mode to dig away at the state left to deal with started in earnest again today ... 

Implementing ideas

in slow fruition... 

A wardrobe used elsewhere ... 

to most ... does not mean anything... to me  a breathe of fresh air in .... space! 

A bracing walk ...

.. around the clutter of life ... 

Cluuuter of Xmas decs for charity collecting ...